Yaaa I do

(via santini-houdini)

LIFE HappyGranmothersDay

I miss her everyday but the closer it gets to mothers day.. The deeper it hurts. I go through each day as a very strong individual. I have a lot of friends, I consider myself a very social person but I do have a tight circle. Only a handful of people, really know me and what I have been through growing up. The moving, the longing to fit in, missing my parents, the bullying e.t.c. I believe that is what made me strong and determined. I smile through everything but I’m not always like that. I used to get frustrated and my granma used to catch me punching the bed in my room.. because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was hurting. I have bad days just like everyone else.. Sometimes I can’t always have this bubbly spirit because.. life gets on top of me too. That’s when I miss her the most. I want her to catch me punching the bed again so I can feel comforted in knowing that I wasn’t alone. It was nice knowing that no matter how old I got, that I was never too old to get my cuddles, or to have my bed made and turned down for me, to wake up to music every morning and smell breakfast cooking. Most of all, I miss having someone to talk to. Most of all, I miss having someone who stayed around long enough to know what I was going through. I miss being understood. I miss her falling asleep on my bed while I played the guitar and sung her to sleep. Yeah, I’m lame like that. I miss her buying me the most hideous clothes from the op shop.. One time she bought me this velvet leopard dress and this bright hot pink satin shirt to wear over the top for my ball.. (I never wore it lol) but she ironed it out and everything. I wish I wore it for her now. At 16, all I cared about is what my boyfriend thought.. Shouldn’t have worried about that huh? He isn’t here anymore neither is she but I don’t think about him anymore, I think about HER everyday. I miss Sunday Roast and laughing at how she burnt the Apple sponge because she was always too caught up in her crosswords. Irene, Ari and I used to sit on the armchair with her.. all the same way, she would fold her legs up to the side and we would squeeze our butts in and sit right up on her. I even miss that disgusting pineapple ice cream grandad always got.. Tropicana? I dunno.. It was gross but every WEEK.. the same ice cream. I miss dressing up in all her clothes. I was obsessed with pantyhose! Nana had these hot pink knee high stockings that I loved! Irene paid me a dollar to stay in the car. Haha. Meanie. We were definetly NOT wealthy but every xmas we had a present, lunch and a christmas tree. (Remember when we got that maori rocking snail for Christmas and every Christmas after that we would pull it out and all the kids would try get a leg on. Horiii). I even miss getting dropped off at school in a removal truck. I could go on for hours and hours about things that I miss.. The more I think about these memories, the more I wish I could add more of that vitality to my current life. This right here, this note right here, is ME keeping it real. I am crying my ass off while I type this and now I’m laughing because I feel like a loser. I will post this though because everyone needs to know how wonderful this lady is and everyone who knew her, I hope they think of her on Mothers day or should I say Nanas day. Hehe. Gonna go get over myself now lol. All I have left to say is, CHERISH the moments you have with your family and loved ones. Life is so short. No amount of money will ever bring back somebody that you love. Worry about the real things in life and deep down within your heart, you know what it is.. When they are gone, they are gone! Your parents are getting old, take care of them. Your granparents are probably lonely, visit them! Your children are growing up fast, spend more time with them. One day you won’t have anyone to catch you punching the bed and you will feel alone just like I did today.. 

I love you all and Happy Mothers Day in advance. 

Love

Ashlie xo